Jimmy and his promotion

Today was an interesting day in the life of Jimmy. Not only had he realised that he could touch his nose with his tongue, he had also gained a promotion. Granted, Jimmy was his own boss so gaining promotion was not the hardest thing in the world to achieve. He had basically decided that he wanted to be known as Führer of Robotics Entertainment Ltd. That's right! He had named his company Robotics Entertainment Ltd. Jimmy hadn't entirely thought this through. He got at least 6 phone calls a day from people enquiring about robots, not the dance craze robotics as he had hoped. However, this is where jimmy's keen people skills came into play. After around the 15 calls like this Jimmy was fed up. He decided he would not tell them that he knew nothing, and had nothing, to do with robots, but nor would he lie to them. This was an important moral distinction for our Jimmy. He was now putting full trust in the fact that he was such a good entertainer that he could turn up to a room, sometimes conference centres, full of people eagerly waiting to see a robot; but instead he turns up and does the robot and entertains them so much that they don't care - in fact they prefer it. It was a bold ambition but jimmy felt he could achieve it.

So when the next call came in, Jimmy picked up the phone with his usual "a hoi hoi"

"Erm yes hello"

"Hello there! How may I be of service" jovially responded jimmy in a manner which was most perturbing in it's jollyness.

"Erm yes ok...my names Dr. Abbott"

"Why hellooo there Dr. A! How can I help you today?" Jimmy butted in, still far to jolly to be considored anything other than creepy but certain that he was the king of customer service.

"Erm well I guess you can help me, I am throwing a rather large symposium next week and am looking for something rather extraordinary as a final act, something to wow the crowd."

Jimmy pretended to think for a second and then replied, "Oh yes we have something that certainly fits this criteria, the crowd are always wowed by my robotics."

"Wow that's perfect! Are you free in a couple of Saturdays time?"

"I am sure I can manage that," replied jimmy desperately trying to be non-chalent.

Jimmy told himself the hard bit was done. He had got the gig, all that was left was to rely on his natural talent and be so entertaining that the people forgot he wasn't the genius innovative robot they were expecting, but in fact just a prat busting out 80s dance moves. As the day approached Jimmy began to realise what he had done, he was forwarded a guest list of the event so he could see his audience and he realised that amongst these many genius's, geniuses, geniu-I, were the scientists that evented some of the most deadly weapons in the world. They may obliterate Jimmy there and then. He got worried, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, he was quite frankly panicked. Then yet another idea came into his head, he would wear a robot suit whilst he did his robotics. Nobody would be nun the wiser if he did it well enough. It would be the ultimate test of his robotic ability.

The next day, the morning of the symposium, he went to the garden centre and bought all the products that he could. He had metallic spray paint, he had cardboard boxes and he had some crayons. He spent lunchtime fashioning a robot costume and then trying to climb inside it - which involved falling out of it many times.

The symposium was nearing it's end, it had been a huge success and yet Dr Abbott was still frantically panicking, his headline act had yet to appear, his cherry on top was missing, there was no piece de resistance. The time to announce Jimmy's robot had arrived but yet the actual robot hadn't. "I am afraid there will be no finale today, the pre-ordered entertainment has failed to..." Suddenly the lights went low and spot lights started flashing through the audience and the stage. The stage started to fill with smoke, Dr. Abbott stood there confused. Then the doors at the back of the auditorium flew open and a light shone up the isle so bright that many of the academics had to avert their eyes, it was like an eclipse -you knew you shouldn't look but they so wanted to see they couldn't help it. What priceless piece of entertainment laid in store for them?

A booming voice came over the tannoy, "Behold the eighth wonder of the world ...Jimmytron!" And with that a man covered in silver painted cardboard boxes walked down the isle doing his best impersonation of a robot. The audience was stunned, Dr. Abbott's jaw dropped. The robot made it's way up the stage stairs, once reaching the top it proceded to moonwalk into the centre of the stage (a move Jimmy learnt just for this gig). Jimmytron then went through the classic moves, it broke out the tea tray, it opened the can, it waved to the crowd - but in a robotesque manner. The crowd sat in disbelief as the music died down and the man in the cardboard robot suit stood there perfectly still. Then the big voice boomed one last time, "What lies between the world today and the world of tomorrow..."

The crowd looked around awaiting a response, "What was happening? What would happen next?" they kept thinking to themselves.

"...the minds of men" boomed the voice and then the music blasted into a new song. This song was far more up tempo and Jimmytron was moving around the stage at a pace that you would not believe, never had the robot been done at such a speed and with such precision. As Jimmy busted his best moves at this magnificent rate he would rip bits of the cardboard off revealing his skinny man body underneath (not that anyone at any point thought he was an actual robot). Jimmy finished, stood on stage in just his tidy-whities and the music boomed to an end and the lights lit up the room. The audience sat perfectly still staring at Jimmy. Dr. Abbott stood at the side of the stage fuming! He was sure Jimmytron had just wrecked his reputation in the scientific world. Then suddenly the crowd jumped to their feet, simultaneously cheering and clapping!

"Wow what great symbolisation of mans plight against technology" one hugely dawky man said to an equally dawky women as he clearly tried to impress her with his creative side. Jimmy bowed - in a robotic fashion of course - and then roboted his way over to Dr. Abbott who was still trying to stop his heart from racing with anger.

"You lucky son of a bitch," snarled the doctor.

Jimmy and his career choice

Jimmy’s state of unemployment seemed completely never ending. No matter what he did he simply could not find a job at all! He ended up deciding that self-employment was the only solution. To be fair, Jimmy was never going to find work. He wasn’t qualified for anything. He interviewed like a berk! When asked by the manager at his local Wimpy, “Why is it you want to work in Wimpy?” Jimmy confidently replied, “I don’t, I don’t even like eating in Wimpy…who does? I need the money and I am quite sure any old baboon could do this job.”
“Well, sir, you are one baboon that won’t be!” the Wimpy manager retorted as he rushed off, still unable to get rid of the shocked expression left on his face from Jimmy’s unfathomably honest answer.

Jimmy’s problem was that he had always believed the cliché honesty is the best policy. When in actual fact it usually isn’t. It is rarely the best policy, especially in a job interview situation. This essentially meant that Jimmy was buggered! He had no qualifications, which meant he only had a chance at gaining employment in ‘mcjobs’ and his honest and frank mindset meant that he could never blag those interviews. 

So Jimmy decided he would try and create his own business. He just needed a skill. He tried being a handyman, but was in no way handy…and not that much of a man. He tried being a cleaner…except he was certainly not clean, more...scraggy. Nobody wants a scraggy house. He tried to be a mechanic. This actually panned out. However, it did only pan out due to his misinterpretation of the word mechanic. He got the title completely confused and thought that mechanic actually meant dancing like a mechanized robot. Jimmy thought this meant he would in fact have to act like he was mechanic. This he could do very well. 

This led to him becoming entertainment at parties. He would do anything you wanted…as long as it centered around dancing like a robot. He would jump out of cakes…and dance like a robot. He would strip…whilst dancing like a robot. He would even…just dance…like a robot…but on stage. He was hired for hundreds of parties. Seriously, it was proper entertaining. He came to my party! I had him jump out of a cake…took them ages to cover him in sponge and icing. 

Jimmy had found his calling; he started to expand his company. Not only would he dance like a robot…now he would also disco dance (his true passion). Jimmy’s a man with moves! And very little shame. It was not long before he was on the Internet becoming a sensation. He won applause from all the big celebrities. He was even asked to robot at Mel Gibson’s birthday bash. He of course rudely rejected due to his moral reasoning…he hated Mel. Besides he was far bigger than Mel Gibson’s party at this point. He even did the robot at the Oscars. This is where he met Scarlett Johansson. She didn’t shag him…god no…Jimmy was far too bland looking for her. She did however ask him to be in her next movie. He was the central character. It was a non-speaking part. Scarlett did all the talking…he just moonwalked on and off screen and then robotted in the middle. It was a huge hit. People loved it. Jimmy thought he was a genius, he thought he had created the best piece of art ever. And to be fair, it was better then Braveheart. That won Oscars, why couldn’t ‘The Robot and I’. A modern adaptation of The King and I. Sadly the sequel…'Beauty and the Robot’…wasn’t as well received. It was a pure studio movie. Jimmy didn’t want to make a sequel without Scarlett…who had calendar issues (her bedroom calendar fell on her and the corner temporarily blinded her, she couldn’t star alongside Jimmy whilst wearing a patch could she, people would think it was a pirate film). But he got paid a fortune, enough to live comfortably for the rest of his life. He agreed on the basis that they promised him they would get a good replacement. They did not…the public just could not believe Sarah Jessica Parker playing the part of a beauty. During the sex scene, which is obligatory for all badly made sequels, the audience generally thought that Jimmy was doing the robot on top of a horse. Of course this was a huge critical and commercial flop. 

Jimmy’s entertainment career was over. He started off by dropping down to TV. He had his own sitcom pilot, simply named Jimmy. He stood a chance but bad casting struck him again. Andie MacDowell played Jimmy’s love interest and Kramer off Seinfeld played his best mate. Sadly the pilot aired after Kramer’s racist rant and therefore pretty much everyone hated him…and Andie MacDowell…is just hated. So it was another flop for Jimmy. He went back to being entertainment at parties. It was a success for a while but Jimmy just didn’t see the glamour in it. He started spending his fortune on lots of food and smack. This balanced out nicely, so he kept his figure. But he had huge cholesterol and horrible teeth. He soon suffered a heart attack on stage whilst roboting out of a cake and due to his bad teeth nobody wanted to give him mouth to mouth. He nearly died. That was the day Jimmy changed his life. No more smack. No more spending all his money on food. He would simply by a small house and live out the rest of his days comfortably doing bugger all…living off his once movie star fortune. 

Sadly, this could not be the case; Jimmy would never be comfortable…he could never find underwear that fit his oddly chicken-esque legs.