Jimmy’s Christmas’ never went to plan. This was caused by a variety of reasons. One year Jimmy’s traditional nature caused him to use actual candles to decorate his tree. That got him in some hot bother. Another year Jimmy’s good nature convinced him to cook for the needy – he can’t cook. That put him in a messy situation. This year however Jimmy’s generous side took a hold of him. He decided he would buy presents for his loved ones. Jimmy faced two problems, no idea what to get and…well…no loved ones. Jimmy however knew a way around this problem. He would get some loved ones this year! He had a foolproof plan! He would buy the presents, a present for every demographic, see who wanted it, become there best mate and end up with the most diverse group of mates known to the world.
His next challenge came in the form of finding the people to give the presents to. He had to find one person for every demographic. He knew exactly how to do this. He placed an advert up on Craigslist – Man Seeking Chum To Give Present To. He placed one advert for every category. Except the under 18’s…that would just be teasing. Now he had to just sit back and wait for the replies. He was certain that he would get a response for each present…he was confident in the gifts he chose.
Jimmy was right to be confident in those gifts. His next challenge was one that he had not seen coming. He got thousands of responses per gift. He literally got more letters than Santa Clause that Christmas. Of course Jimmy was using email…he’s a bit more up to date than ol’ St Nick. Hotmail literally crashed when he opened his inbox, and I don’t mean his page…it used up so much energy opening the bloody thing that the whole Internet was used to do it. I know...I didn’t know the Internet was a limited resource either! Nor did Hotmail…their mainframe literally exploded and hundreds died. Jimmy didn’t know of this though…no BBC website to check it on…so he just kept plodding along with his plan assuming he was making the world and his life better. Now that Jimmy had crashed the Internet he had to do everything by hand. This made it more argeous. Luckily had had checked a few of his thousands of emails before the whole Internet was used up. This meant that he took those people to be the list. He wrote to all these people asking for a meeting. He would do this on an interview basis. Those that best suited being his friend would get the job. He would gather them and give them all a presents on Christmas Day and hopefully seal their friendships forever.
The first person he selected was the easiest. This person just had to fit his needs in a friend. As he went on this would become harder. He wasn’t just trying to make friends here; he was hoping to create a hugely diverse friendship group. Friendships that would cross age and gender boundaries. So number three pick would have to be suitable for both him and number two. Number four pick would have to be suitable for him, number two and number three…and so on. Jimmy decided the best place to start would be his own category. He was the ripe age of 24 at this point and therefore the male 18-25 group would be his starting point. He had managed to read 12 emails from this group and had only three replies to his letters requesting interviews. One response from a Manchester United fan, one response from an Arsenal fan and the other response was from someone who despised football. He interview the latter first as he was very curious as to why someone would actually say they ‘despised football’ when trying to convince someone to give him tickets to a game. And why would they want tickets!?
“To sell,” said this rather brutish looking man sat in front of Jimmy. This man looked like your typical hardnut. He was born to hurt people. I would say that the sun glimmered off his skinhead, but with it being December, winter and Britain it is safe to say it didn’t. But he looked exactly the kinda guy Jimmy did not want to be friends with. When Jimmy asked his favourite activities he answered, “Fighting, rioting and knitting.” After further enquiries it turned out that the third activity stemmed from the man being brought up by his grandmother. Still the first two made it certain in Jimmy’s mind that this man was not the chosen chum. Jimmy however carried on giving the man his chance, because Jimmy believed there were good qualities to be found in everyone. Jimmy was wrong. When asked what he disliked the skinhead replied, “Football, cheddar cheese and blacks.” The thing that worried Jimmy more than this answer was his response of, “Who doesn’t like Cheddar Cheese!” Jimmy had high hopes when he heard a man named James Jameson – surely he’d found another Jimmy…alas no, this man was not a Jimmy and nor was he to be a chum of Jimmy.
This left Jimmy with two options for his 18-25 year old chum, the Man Utd or the Arsenal fan. Jimmy wasn’t the most athletic of men but like all straight British men was a huge fan of football. However, he supported neither of these sides. He was a Wycombe Wanderers fan. So that was not going to help him choose which one. He had to interview them both, which after his horrifying encounter with the knitting Neo-Nazi was not his most favourite prospect. First up was the Manchester United fan. Being a Manchester United fan meant that he was of course from London. Which was handy because it meant he could meet both people in the same day. He took the Manchester United fan to a café and they got a nice fry-up lunch. This guy was a bit more Jimmy’s sort. He paid for the lunch – always a winner. He like football and knew it in and out. He was also open minded to all beliefs and tolerant to all ethnicities (a question that had now snuck into all Jimmy’s following ‘interviews’). Jimmy enjoyed spending time with him. The guy even said this immense little tidbit upon Jimmy’s asking, “So how are you?” when they first met. This guy (Tony - a name that almost, in Jimmy’s mind, rhymed with his own!) responded, “Not great actually, think I’m coming down with something.”
“Oh dear, what’s up?” replied Jimmy.
“I’m not sure.” Answered Tony. “I have a bit of a sore throat. Might be because that thing I ate of the Christmas tree…think I’ve got tinsel-itus.” And as he punned he let out a big “Waheyyy!” Jimmy was a fan of this man. He certainly scored big!
Even though Jimmy felt he had already made his decision he still met the Arsenal fan. To be fair to the Arsenal fan Jimmy was negative going into the meeting, as he knew he wanted to take Tony. But the Gooner didn’t help his case. He minced in wearing his Arsenal shirt (to prove his allegiance I am sure). He had a long blonde wig on and more mascara than anyone Jimmy had ever seen before. He was wearing knee high boots and a short denim skirt, which left just a little bit of hairy leg for Jimmy to avoid staring at with disgust. He sat down in the pub…a very rough north London pub of him/her choosing…and said in the softest of voices, “Why hello there Jimmy…I’m Martin.” The only response that Jimmy could find was, “Riiiiight.” Jimmy had met his first weirdo upon his venture for chumship. It would turn out that this man/women was pre-op and therefore still male but was soon to go by the name…Cindy. Jimmy used this as his excuse that this man would not be eligible to take the tickets and accompany Jimmy to the game and therefore become his friend. These tickets were the man gift, meant for the person who would play the 18-25 year old male in Jimmy’s new diverse group of mates. Martin, soon to be Cindy, would throw out the equilibrium. Martin/Cindy protested claiming that someone from the LBGT group was needed to make it fully diverse. Jimmy did consider this but when Martin/Cindy protested a little too much Jimmy was forced to tell him/her that the LBGT representative in the group would have to come from someone who closer followed Jimmy’s categorization method. The abnormally large protests put up by Martin/Cindy made Jimmy certain that he/she was either a serial killer or someone that actually wanted to steal poor Jimmy’s innocence. Jimmy ran for his life. Mind made up right their I think. The Man United fan it was.
Jimmy was starting to feel anxious about the project he had taken on. Yes he had just found the guy that would be his new chum. He had informed Tony that he was the one that would be accompanying him to the game and made arrangements to meet him on Christmas Day to hand over Tony’s ticket. Tony was delighted and Jimmy felt like he might have made a connection. However, this did not stop Jimmy’s anxious feeling. Yes, he had made one potential chum…but he had met two psychos as well. Jimmy questioned his mission. But then he realized what was next. The 18-25 year old women. This was surely going to be Jimmy’s favourite category. He had 12 responses to his letters asking to meet up. He had sent 22 and decided the best way to get through this large number was to organize a speed-dating event. Just him and what he had hoped would be 22 ladies. Sadly only twelve confirmed they could come, and even sadder only 9 turned up…and then one left upon seeing Jimmy. Still, Jimmy was not disheartened. He had eight women to speed date and decided he would give them five minutes each to try and wow him. The prize would be a year’s subscription to Heat Magazine. He didn’t think this present would have such appeal. He had struggled to come up with it as women would always be something that he never understood…especially women between 18-25. He had prepared 10 questions on which to base the speed-dating interviews:
1) What is your name? (Always a good start)
2) Where are you from? (Still could)
3) Have you ever had sexual relations from someone you simply considered a ‘chum’? (Perhaps too direct)
4) What is your marital status? (Probably get away with that one…maybe not considering the previous question)
5) How would you describe yourself? (The ruling was that anyone that said the words: random, crazy or mental would loose serious points, anyone that said the exact words “You never know what’s going to happen when I’m around!” Would be asked to leave – this happened twice)
6) Who is your favourite celebrity? (A good question to ask a Heat reader I have to admit)
7) What was the last book you read? (Someone actually answered “Does Heat count?” Which was only beaten by “Ermmm…Probly Jordan’s novel…Oh wait…is a novel a book?” – she was also asked to leave)
8) If you were a type of cheese what type of cheese would you be? (Abstract I like it!)
9) Can you put together your own Ikea sets? (Jimmy didn’t want the group to have to always be spending their time on this)
10) What’s your favourite drink? (End on a jolly note)
Despite Jimmy’s well thought out questions he did have 4 walkouts, which left him with the choice of two ladies. Trisha and Beatrice. Beatrice, however, had scored magnificently badly on every question. Her answers and Jimmy’s notes went much like this:
1) Beatrice – is she 60 years old!?
2) Doncaster – either got Aids or kids
3) Yes all the time – yes was good but the all the time confirms the Aids.
4) Divorced – by 25? Crazy!
5) Totally random – serious points drop
6) Robert Patterson – necrophiliac
7) Twilight – dim and possibly a mental
8) Cheddar – borrrring
9) What’s Ikea? Definitely dim
10) Orange Reef – might actually be 13 years old
The choice was easy for dear Jimmy. Trisha would get the subscription. He arranged to meet her at the same place he was meeting Tony on Christmas Day. A Gang was forming.
Having felt that he had been quite efficient on this one he decided to keep the pace up and that women were the way to do this. He went for the 26-50 year old women category next. He also got the joy of marching into Ann Summers for the first time in his life. He had often stood outside seeing who was popping in and out and wondering what they were buying (a little weird I know), but now he had a purpose to go in. He marched in, banged his fist on the counter right in front of the teenage shop assistant and in his most demanding voice said “Give me your finest rampant rabbit please madam!” Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him in shock. And not just the people in the store, even people passing buy had heard him and stopped to stare. The shop assistant looked both shocked and thoroughly annoyed at the same time and eventually snapped back, “Alright mate, if you really need it that bad.” Laughter spewed out of the many onlookers’ mouths and Jimmy’s sense of purpose was transformed into embarrassment and a want to get away as quickly as possible. The shop assistant fetched him the vibrator and Jimmy basically through the money at her. He ran out the store…forgetting the vibrator. He then ran back into the store greeted by the shop assistant who loudly shouted, “Your Back!” Again, the whole store laughed at Jimmy, this time at the fact he seemed like a regular vibrator a purchaser. He picked up the vibrator and out he ran again.
Jimmy was starting to feel anxious about the project he had taken on. Yes he had just found the guy that would be his new chum. He had informed Tony that he was the one that would be accompanying him to the game and made arrangements to meet him on Christmas Day to hand over Tony’s ticket. Tony was delighted and Jimmy felt like he might have made a connection. However, this did not stop Jimmy’s anxious feeling. Yes, he had made one potential chum…but he had met two psychos as well. Jimmy questioned his mission. But then he realized what was next. The 18-25 year old women. This was surely going to be Jimmy’s favourite category. He had 12 responses to his letters asking to meet up. He had sent 22 and decided the best way to get through this large number was to organize a speed-dating event. Just him and what he had hoped would be 22 ladies. Sadly only twelve confirmed they could come, and even sadder only 9 turned up…and then one left upon seeing Jimmy. Still, Jimmy was not disheartened. He had eight women to speed date and decided he would give them five minutes each to try and wow him. The prize would be a year’s subscription to Heat Magazine. He didn’t think this present would have such appeal. He had struggled to come up with it as women would always be something that he never understood…especially women between 18-25. He had prepared 10 questions on which to base the speed-dating interviews:
1) What is your name? (Always a good start)
2) Where are you from? (Still could)
3) Have you ever had sexual relations from someone you simply considered a ‘chum’? (Perhaps too direct)
4) What is your marital status? (Probably get away with that one…maybe not considering the previous question)
5) How would you describe yourself? (The ruling was that anyone that said the words: random, crazy or mental would loose serious points, anyone that said the exact words “You never know what’s going to happen when I’m around!” Would be asked to leave – this happened twice)
6) Who is your favourite celebrity? (A good question to ask a Heat reader I have to admit)
7) What was the last book you read? (Someone actually answered “Does Heat count?” Which was only beaten by “Ermmm…Probly Jordan’s novel…Oh wait…is a novel a book?” – she was also asked to leave)
8) If you were a type of cheese what type of cheese would you be? (Abstract I like it!)
9) Can you put together your own Ikea sets? (Jimmy didn’t want the group to have to always be spending their time on this)
10) What’s your favourite drink? (End on a jolly note)
Despite Jimmy’s well thought out questions he did have 4 walkouts, which left him with the choice of two ladies. Trisha and Beatrice. Beatrice, however, had scored magnificently badly on every question. Her answers and Jimmy’s notes went much like this:
1) Beatrice – is she 60 years old!?
2) Doncaster – either got Aids or kids
3) Yes all the time – yes was good but the all the time confirms the Aids.
4) Divorced – by 25? Crazy!
5) Totally random – serious points drop
6) Robert Patterson – necrophiliac
7) Twilight – dim and possibly a mental
8) Cheddar – borrrring
9) What’s Ikea? Definitely dim
10) Orange Reef – might actually be 13 years old
The choice was easy for dear Jimmy. Trisha would get the subscription. He arranged to meet her at the same place he was meeting Tony on Christmas Day. A Gang was forming.
Having felt that he had been quite efficient on this one he decided to keep the pace up and that women were the way to do this. He went for the 26-50 year old women category next. He also got the joy of marching into Ann Summers for the first time in his life. He had often stood outside seeing who was popping in and out and wondering what they were buying (a little weird I know), but now he had a purpose to go in. He marched in, banged his fist on the counter right in front of the teenage shop assistant and in his most demanding voice said “Give me your finest rampant rabbit please madam!” Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him in shock. And not just the people in the store, even people passing buy had heard him and stopped to stare. The shop assistant looked both shocked and thoroughly annoyed at the same time and eventually snapped back, “Alright mate, if you really need it that bad.” Laughter spewed out of the many onlookers’ mouths and Jimmy’s sense of purpose was transformed into embarrassment and a want to get away as quickly as possible. The shop assistant fetched him the vibrator and Jimmy basically through the money at her. He ran out the store…forgetting the vibrator. He then ran back into the store greeted by the shop assistant who loudly shouted, “Your Back!” Again, the whole store laughed at Jimmy, this time at the fact he seemed like a regular vibrator a purchaser. He picked up the vibrator and out he ran again.
He had an easy time deciding between the three women who agreed to meet him for interviews. The first was Margaret. She was an old pub landlady who had seen some things in her time. Bit more Peggy Mitchell than Claudia Schiffer. Not exactly what Jimmy wanted. She had what can only be described as a ‘Cougar Smile’, but not that of Demi Moore’s. A grin that highlighted the glint in her eye. A glint that suggested in her time she has eaten many a man like Jimmy for breakfast. She had stories that horrified Jimmy. She told stories of when she had to break up a fight between two squaddies - they both left with broken noses as she dived across the bard with a stiletto in her hand. She was very touchy feely the whole time she was with Jimmy which made him very uncomfortable. She sat so close he could smell the odor permeating from her skin. It was that same smell that exists in pubs that have been running for years and still have many of their original customers sitting at the bar. She smelt like the ‘essence of pub’ and this was not to Jimmy’s liking.
The second woman was his mum. This led to the most awkward meal of Jimmy’s life and a definite no.
The third woman (Kathy) was a winner! Not only did she love Christmas and the idea that Jimmy had come up with for the most diverse group of friends ever. But she was also a black, 37 year old, bisexual who said she seriously needed a vibrator (this meant nymph in Jimmy’s eyes). This was much more like the lady Jimmy had hoped would fill this classification. It also made the group that much more diverse. The deal was done and she eagerly agreed to meet Jimmy on Christmas days with the others and pick up her Rampant Rabbit.
Jimmy was excited now. He was well on his way to having the most diverse group of friends to spend Christmas Day with. He now just had to meet the men. This was easy again. He only had two people to choose from. There hadn’t been many responses. Not many male 26-50 year olds browse online and answer classified adds. He did however have to question his classification system. After all, there is quite a lot of difference between a 27 year old and a 48 year old. Jimmy met the 27 year old first. This man was not the outgoing and boisterous fellow that Jimmy had hoped for. His name was Alexander and did not stop speaking about World of Warcraft (or WOW as he called it). There was nothing WOW about the game or Alexander. Jimmy struggled to move the conversation away from Goarth, the level 16 Orc that Alexander was currently playing with. When Jimmy finally got to move the conversation on it became clear why Alexander only every talked of this. The rest of his lift was actually less impressive. He was a 27-year-old chartered accountant that still lived at home because he had failed to get on the housing market (he felt that renting was throwing money away). He did not play sport and had no interest in watching it. The closest he had got to actively taking part in sport was Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08 on Playstation 3. He didn’t wear designer labels (why bother when you can get just the same quality for Oxfam shops). Jimmy was not a fan.
Next up was the very different Gerry Jefferson. He was a 48-year-old lawyer who ran one of the largest law consultancies in London. He married his university sweet heart and stayed married to her until she sadly departed this world just two years before Jimmy encountered him Gerry. He only drank the finest whiskies, which he often did in his penthouse flat in the City. However, he felt one thing was missing from those nights with the Whiskey…a box of Cuba’s finest cigars. He found Jimmy’s idea of the worlds most diverse group of friends fascinating. He told Jimmy of how he had always been too busy with work or too loved up with his wife to really make a close-knit group of mates and maybe now was the time. Jimmy immediately idolized Gerry who was one of those men that could talk for Britain without once being dull. He had a keen whit and a blunt manner, which allowed him to be both brutal and sharp all at once. Decision made! Gerry agreed to meet Jimmy at the same time, as the others on Christmas day and Gerry would finally get those cigars.
Jimmy just had one classification left, the over 50’s women. He feared they would be just like the men. There were two of them…and one of them was. Beatrice (he knew it was an elderly name!) was so excited to see Jimmy that she did a tiny poo. She seemingly did not notice…Jimmy did. It smelt the whole conversation they had. She kept saying how Jimmy reminded her or her grandson, Alexander. Apparently, he was an accountant. Jimmy suspected he knew his favourite hobby. The meeting with Beatrice did not last long…she fell asleep mid-sentence. Jimmy tried waking her but when he couldn’t he left a note saying it was great to meet her and left. He later feared she had died.
Jimmy was seriously worrying about meeting the next women and phoned her before the meeting to ask her age. He was not age-ist but given recent experiences just wanted to be prepared. He was delighted to hear that Rita was only 55. He met her at the local Tesco, as she had to do her Christmas big shop. Jimmy went around the store with her as she chose the delights she would be cooking for Christmas. She was a single mum with 6 children. Her husband had walked out on her after the last one but she refused to grant him the divorce due to her strict Catholic upbringing. She had worked off jobs all her life as she tried to raise the kids. She said they had struggled to get by but now the older was soon to leave home she wanted to do it all over again. She was looking forward to having them all visit for Christmas, the eldest with his new wife. She had a brash attitude about her and took no nonsense from anyone. She gave the fishmonger in Tesco’s jipp when he tried to give her what she felt was a “measly handful of prawns”. Jimmy was seriously impressed with her but wondered why someone so confident in herself wanted to a driver’s license with a younger age on it. Her simple answer was, “I’ve ‘ad kids in the house for 27 years…’bout time I had me fun!” Jimmy loved her! Easy choice! She agreed to leave her very busy Christmas Day in order to meet Jimmy and the rest of the gang and pick up her present.
Jimmy was set. He had picked his group. Now he just had to meet them all with their gifts on Christmas Day. He didn’t have long to wait. He had met Rita on the 22nd December. He spent the next two days either wondering what the meeting would be like or wrapping the gifts. The day finally came. The most diverse group of friends ever would finally meet up. At 3pm on Christmas Day they all met up at the agreed meeting point. This was just by the fountain at Piccadilly Circus. Jimmy got there at 2:00 to ensure he was the first there. One by one they all arrived and were all very friendly to each other. Jimmy felt like he had done well and some real connections were being made. Even the nurse that left her own Christmas Day to bring Peter was seemingly enjoying herself. Jimmy handed out the gifts and was delighted to see the smiles on all the recipients’ faces. He was shocked to find that they had all gone to the effort to find him something. He finally had people to share Christmas with. The group had a great laugh as they drank the champagne and orange juice that Jimmy had brought. Rita had made some mince pies, which also went down a treat. As they parted they all agreed to meet every Christmas at 3pm in the same place and swap presents and life stories. Jimmy had done it! The most diverse group of friends ever! He was a very happy chappy that Christmas Day.
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