Upon on this great day a young man by the name of jimmy strauss shall wake up from his sleep. Now jimmy strauss generally slept for 10 hours between the times of 11:00pm to 9:00am, however, on this particular day jimmy woke up at 8:43 approximately which meant that he did not get his 10 hours sleep in fact he only got 9 hours 27 minutes sleep. Of course this lack of sleep had the usual affect that lack of sleep will have in the human persona and made Jimmy particularly grouchy. This grouchyness was exacerbated by the fact that Jimmy was unable to cook his favourite pop tart because his microwave was broken. When Jimmy placed his favourite pop-tart (which included strawberries) into the microwave, the microwave started to spark; thinking and reacting at a pretty mediocre rate Jimmy turned off the microwave. He huffed. He then moved on and went and had a shower in a hope that this would restore him to his usual self.
The shower went rather smoothly. Jimmy started by finding the prefect temperature, this is quite a time consuming task (Jimmy was a man with time to burn you see). Jimmy would start by moving the shower head so it faced the wall, this was to ensure that Jimmy would not get saturated in cold water. Jimmy would then turn the hot water tap all the way up as heat was a priority of Jimmy’s when showering, Jimmy’s 3rd move would be to turn the cold water handle until the water became perfect, this could take several attempts. He would judge the water temperature by placing his hand in the water stream for just a few seconds, long enough so he could tell if the water was at the desired level or not. Jimmy would then twist the shower head again so that it was facing him and the water stream was bouncing off his chest, an area which meant one step forward would mean washing his hair and one step back would mean washing his leg, this improved efficiency whilst showering. Jimmy then bent through the shower and picked up a lynx bottle, he squeezed the bottle from the bottom to ensure that he could get every drop of lynx out of the bottle, thus saving money, however, me and you know that this was a useless pursuit as never again will jimmy use his lynx bottle (a bit of dramatic irony there for you). With the lynx excretion in his hand Jimmy would start rubbing his body all over, other than his head, firstly he would just use his left hand (covered in lynx excretion), then he would join the left hand with the right, thus by improving efficiency once more. Once saturated in lynx foam Jimmy would then walk into the water stream of the shower and spin in it 3 times to ensure that all the foam was removed. Then came Jimmy’s favourite bit, he would pick up the shampoo and squeeze it into his hand from the middle of the shampoo bottle (his one indulgence of the day) and then rub it vigorously into his hair; in the same 1st left then right hand motion he did his body with. Once again Jimmy would step in to the water stream and wait till the water has cleared his body and head of foam. Jimmy would then turn off the shower and step out on to a towel; he would reach for a 2nd towel and dry his body with that and then reach for a 3rd smaller towel to dry his head with. As you can see this is the perfect shower.
Once dry Jimmy walked back to his room and pulled from his draw a leopard skin thong (one of 27 exactly the same leopard skin thongs that Jimmy owned). However, Jimmy did not wear these thongs, oh no, instead Jimmy sniffed them and then placed them on the radiator until he went to bed the night after at which time they would go back in the draw, one can only imagine what they smelt of. After doing this frankly peculiar ritual Jimmy went back into his draw and this time pulled out a small white cat with icicles on its nose, oh not again thought Jimmy, as he placed the cat back in and pulled out a pair of white boxers. Jimmy placed his immaculate white boxers on and then looked at himself in the mirror, doing various poses to try, nun of which made him look sexy, only bonier. Jimmy then opened his socks draw, the 3rd down of the 7 draws and pulled out a pair of socks, these socks had the word Tuesday written on them, Jimmy pulled these socks over his feet and sighed with comfort; they were his favourite socks. Jimmy then took a pair of jeans that he had discarded to the floor the night before and pulled them over his legs in the usual fashion a man would. He then zipped up the fly and did up the button on his jeans before pulling on his ‘Mr T Rocks’ T-Shirt. By pure coincidence Jimmy’s portable telecommunication device started to vibrate at this precise moment; Jimmy picked it up and the screen displayed a flashing envelope which suggested Jimmy had received a text message. Upon opening the message Jimmy noticed that the message only contained 5 words:
U R Gay from Calvin
Once Jimmy had completed reading this, 2 thoughts ran through his mind:
Who Is Calvin?
And
But I Don’t Want To Be Gay.
Jimmy decided he didn’t want to text back as he didn’t know who he would be texting. However, the news that he was now gay did infuriate Jimmy some what as he had already arranged to go to a speed-dating session for purely heterosexual couples that night. Although, on the plus side this did mean that Jimmy now had know plans for either the day or the night, so Jimmy went downstairs into his drawing room and fell into his reclining chair and watched television.
After several hours of daytime television, which ended in a hugely irritating marathon of talk-shows about wives cheating on their obese husbands, Jimmy decided it was time he left the house. After all the sun was starting to go down and Jimmy did like to wander the night contemplating his many thoughts and sometimes even reciting poetry. With this in mind Jimmy pulled on his slightly stained leather jacket and left his house. Jimmy decided that he would go to the only place where the people had less interesting lives than his, the local Tesco Metro. As Jimmy entered the Tesco Metro he could almost smell the lives of the employees wasting away. With this in mind Jimmy went to the ice-cream bucket and picked out his favourite flavour, cookie dough. He took the ice-cream tub over to the check-out where one of the mindless drones rang it through the till; it cost £3.27 which Jimmy thought was a little steep but yet very worth it.
However, as Jimmy paid, at the exact time of 7:27; there was a sudden explosion and the world came to a gruesome, yet expected end. You see the boxers Jimmy left on the radiator caught alight (probably due to what ever substance was making them smell), these boxers then caught the curtains alight and pretty soon the entire house was catching alight, and as this had been happening the microwave had been sparking and spreading radiation through out the house. This radiation heated up and exploded causing a ripple through the country and then the world as everything radioactive exploded including micro-waves, power stations and nuclear bombs. That was the day the earth ended.
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