Jimmy and his love interest

So jimmy was up late one night, he was feeling good about himself, after all he was a national success with his robotics, and was making a fine amount if money with it. However, jimmy was not content. Not by a long shot! He was up late watching his favourite movie, Wing Commander, when he realised he had seen this film hundreds of times but never with a lady. Jimmy enjoyed the company of others and yet so rarely had it. His strange character would often turn people off before they grew to love him for it. This made jimmy awfully sad and he decided there was only one thing to do...watch his last robotics performance, this always cheered him up. It did not, he noticed the crowd was primarily male - he came to the realisation that he was not in the right places to meet the right women. If he was going to meet the love of his life then he would have to get out there and find her. The next day jimmy went online and bought a Eurostar ticket to Paris, the city of love. If jimmy was going to go out and find love then where better to start looking than the city of love. Within 24 hours he was there. Ready to give his love life a good kick up the ass. Jimmy soon hit the streets and was attempting to flirt with ladies left right and centre. He had downloaded a list of 'foolproof' chat up lines that he was certain would work. Brilliant lines such as 'you remind me of a KFC, after I am done with the thigh and the breast I still have a box to put my bone in' and the classic 'do you like jewels?...cos my cock is a gem!' foolproof!

Jimmy soon discovered that these lines weren't in fact foolproof; in fact they were rather pants! Jimmy was disillusioned by this; he walked down the champs-Elyse a shadow of his form self. He was a man they had tried his luck at find love and failed. He walked from the arc d'triumphe and headed down the Champs-Elysee. He couldn't help but notice the couples on their romantic getaways. People falling out of Dior in each others arms as the lady admired the expensive gift her fella had just purchased for her. The couples in the cages by the road sharing cocktails. The men and women standing in crowds watching street performers, enjoying banter the first conversations of a romantic episode. Jimmy wondered through the crowds and down the road with a solemn look on his face. There was no love for jimmy here. And if there was no love for jimmy here, how could there be love for jimmy anywhere?

As he came towards the end of the Champs-Elysees he walked past the fountains where artists and writers sat. Writing and painting about their lovers assumed jimmy. He looked up and in front of him waste archway signifying the start of le Louvre. He wondered though and saw the big glass pyramid's up ahead. Why not wonder round? Why not take in the culture? Why mope around when you can look on the bright side of life? Jimmy was after all in Paris! He was in the cultural capital of the world, fuck it - might as well enjoy himself.

He wondered through the maze that is le Louvre, having just about survived the massive queue. He saw some of the most brilliant art the world has to offer. The wings of victory, the Venus de Milo and some other stuff. But none of it compared to what he saw when he rounded one corner. He had to fight his way through a huge crowd of Asian tourists flashing their cameras, even though they had clearly been told not to. But once he had - he saw it, the most magnificent sight he had ever seen. The Mona Lisa.

Jimmy fell instantly in love with the women in the painting. Her enigmatic smile, the mystery surrounding her - this drew instant affection out of jimmy. He stared at this woman, immortalised by one of the greatest artists of all time. Jimmy instantly felt a connection between himself and the mystery women. As if her half smile was a knowing smile. He felt like he knew exactly what was going through her mind as Da Vinci painted her. It was the same thought that went through his mind when he looked out at his audience whilst performing. That knowledge that they were there for you and that for the endurance of the time they spend looking at you, you are all that matters in their world. This was how jimmy felt now, as he stared at the master of masterpieces, nothing else mattered he was hers. This gave jimmy a great calm.

Jimmy stood and stared at the painting until it was time for the Le Louvre closed. He was mesmerised by it. He then wondered over to the Eiffel Tower. This was now lit up in the night. He could see all the couples enjoying one of the most romantic views the world has to offer. He began to get sad again. He started to imagine himself here with someone, his perfect women. The image of someone who looked exactly like Mona Lisa came into his mind. He began to imagine a coy personality on to her.

Having sat under the Eiffel Tower in his own dream world for a good few hours Jimmy now went back to his hotel which he had booked for the night. It was a simple hotel with not even a TV in the bedroom. Jimmy just laid in the dark and let his mind to wonder. He felt his surge of loneliness again and was desperate to forget it. He started to imagine Mona again, he calmed down. He felt warm in his chest and butterflies in his stomach. He smiled. He made a decision, he had to see her.

Jimmy left the hotel, unnoticed...it was now 3am and everyone was asleep. The Champs-Elysees was still buzzing. It was no longer couples; it was now single people on their way to one night stands. The classy girls of Paris, those in high heels, short skirts and boobs handing out as they fall over on the floor and drag whatever rich boy they have found. The girl will of course hope that they will awake the next morning with a new rich boyfriend who will provide for them for life. In reality, they will awake with an STD and a note next to their bed saying simply “Thanks x”. Jimmy smiled at this though; his Mona was nothing like these girls.

He reached the Le Louvre, it was all shut down. The Pyramid still lit up but there was a tranquil feel about the area. He felt much more at piece even being at the home of Mona than he had felt for a long time. He lay against the glass for along time, before long he was asleep against one of the I.M Pei designed structures. Jimmy was having one of those dreams that you never want to wake up from. He was dreaming that he was Da Vinci painting Mona; they locked themselves away for weeks as he painted her. Rumours spread about what was going on between jimmy/Da Vinci and this mystery woman. In side the room passions were flowing, passions for their art as well as for each other. But then just as jimmy dream he was about to cum simultaneously with Mona he suddenly fell off the bed and then suddenly woke with a huge jerk! This dislodged the window pane he was leaning against, and jimmy suddenly fell for real. Jimmy and the window pane crashed to the ground below, the pane shattering whilst the pain almost shattered jimmy. Jimmy laid there for a moment staring up at the whole in the window, he couldn't help but think "Fuck I am def in some serious trouble." but just as he thought this a realisation came across jimmy - there was no alarm going off! Jimmy picked himself and started to walk into the Louvre. All the security doors had been left open which jimmy though was most peculiar. He knew exactly where he wanted to head, straight to Mona. He needn't follow the signs pointing punters in her direction, he could have found his way there blind - he just instinctively knew where she could be found. As he walked towards the final corner leading to the Mona Lisa he started to hear voices, whispering. He quickly put two and two together and figured that these voices we're the reason all the doors were unlocked. Had they heard the glass shatter before? Why hadn't he been found out? You did have to walk far into the museum to find his beloved Mona, maybe they hadn't heard him. He crept up to the corner and tried to listen in to their conversation, it was in French - he had no bloody clue what they were on about. He peered around the corner and in the middle room was the wall on which Mona has rested for the longest time. She did not rest there tonight, just an empty frame. Beneath the empty frame were to gruff looking French men, they were both dressed completely in black and had a bag next to them which had many gadgets and drills pouring out of it. Leaning up against Mona’s wall was a long tube. Jimmy knew what was happening here and he knew what he had to do. These Frenchies were stealing Mona! He had to steal her from them! Only to ensure her safety of course! He thought about calling the police but decided that would be crazy, he wanted to be Mona’s hero!

Jimmy took a deep breath and tried to bring up as much courage as he could. He then sneaked into the room in which Mona took constant residents. He kept his back pressed against the wall and tip toed quietly around the room. As soon as the Frenchmen were distracted, which they were as they argued amongst each other, he darted behind the big wall that usually propped Mona’s splendour! He then peered around that wall and listened to them argue, he didn't understand a word of it - he wasn't even sure d they were arguing, he knew that the French could occasionally talk in such a passionate way it made them sound as if they were arguing. However, they were clearly deep in discussion and didn't notice jimmy crawl around the wall and grab the tube containing the poster. They however did notice when he then leapt over them as he sprinted out the room and back towards the exit. The French crooks took pursuit and chased jimmy out the room, but le Louvre is a confusing building and easy to get lost around. Jimmy did not have this problem - as it had earlier in the evening, his love for Mona meant he knew exactly where to find her and by the same logic how to get away from her. The crooks did not have this on their side and before long were lost and jimmy was gone. Jimmy sprang up out of the pyramid having sprinted up the stairs. He then dashed across the grounds of le grand Louvre and through the fountain filled gardens. It was here that he was spotted by a security guard. They didn't get a good look at him but they caught a glimpse and that was enough to see a figure running through the garden of le Louvre carrying a tube which looked like he may be used to contain a painting. It didn't take a genius to put two and two together. The security guard immediately raised the alarm and began chasing jimmy. It was at this moment that the French crooks finally climbed out of le Louvre only to now be greeted by an onslaught of police. They were then captured and taken to the police station accused of helping jimmy steal the masterpiece.

Meanwhile, jimmy was sprinting down the Champs-Elysees clinging on to the painting. He was surrounded by sirens and still being chased by the security guard. His luck came when he barged his way through a crowd, politely of course he is British after all, and interrupted a street dance performance. Jimmy made it through unscathed but the pursuing card was caught by the foot of a French teenager spinning on his head. This sent the guard hurtling towards the ground and enabled the escape of jimmy, through the crowd and into a back road. Jimmy then stuck to the shadows as he made his way back to the hotel.

It was only once jimmy had gotten back into his hotel room that he contemplated on what had just happened. Why had he run? Why hadn't he just handed the painting in and given up the French crooks? He couldn't even find a decent answer to these questions when asking himself, let alone the inevitable moment when the police would ask him. All he knew was that he had Mona in room and he didn't want to give her back. He pulled her out of her tube and laid her flat out across his bed. He was now seeing her up closer then he had ever before and he liked it. He felt victorious; he had won her - no! Saved her! He fell asleep on the bed with no duvet but Mona pulled up over him. It was the best sleep he'd had in years! He slept for hours. He awoke just 2 hours before his journey back to London was due to commence again.

Having showered and packed his stuff away he stood staring at Mona Lisa on the bed. He knew it was decision time, was he going to attempt to sneak her back to his and keep her as his naughty secret forever? Of course he was.

He rolled her up into the tube and then placed that in his suitcase. He then ordered a cab and began his journey back into the U.K. Jimmy was thankful to not be searched throughout his journey. He got back into his house and his bedroom without him or Mona being bothered. Jimmy opened up the tube and pulled Mona out. He un-rolled the painting and laid her out on the bed. A big grin came across jimmy's face - he was a happy lad!

The next morning jimmy woke up with the painting pulled up over him like a duvet again. He decided he needed to figure out something for his homes new resident. He headed down to B&Q and bought a frame. It wasn't quite the sweet ornate frame that Mona had in le Louvre but it was ok. On the way home jimmy passed a newsagent that had its usual sign outside "extra! (Insert story)" this particular sign read "extra! Mona list stolen". Jimmy got a lump in his throat upon reading this. He immediately went in and purchased a newspaper. Page one headline - Mona Lisa stolen from le Louvre. Jimmy read the article in the store, it essentially told him that the police in France were hunting for the 'man that got away' whilst the two crooks they has caught had given up their boss - a major mob boss in France - who had consequently been arrested for conspiracy which was suspected to bring the crime rate in France down by 60%. During interrogation the mob boss made a deal and gave up the would-be recipient of Mona who turned out to be a major art dealer in Germany. It turned out, after his arrest, that he had illegally become the owner of many art pieces. However, during all these arrests and revelations it was not discovered who had the painting. Police in France believed it had to be connected to their arrested mob boss and were now concentrating on bargaining and interrogation rather than further searching. Jimmy did a big sigh of relief and felt suddenly calm. He had got away with it, now he just wanted to go back home and see his prize again.

He got home framed Mona and placed her on his wall facing his bed. That way he could look at her last thing at night and first thing in the morning. It was once Mona was framed and mounted that jimmy got a feeling he hadn't had in a while. His adrenaline was still built up having seen the newspaper and well all the events of the last couple of days. He stood back and looked at Mona once again on the wall looking magnificent, drawing all attention in the room towards her. Her cheeky grin bringing out thoughts in jimmy. He remembered his dream from the other night and started to unbutton his trousers. He then pulled his trousers and tidy whities to his ankles and started vigorously masturbating whilst staring at Mona. His thoughts went back to imaging him painting her with her flirtatious smile and moved on to ripping a tight corset off her breasts. It wasn't long before his knees were shaking and going weak as he blew his load all over his carpet and wall (luckily not getting high enough to hit the painting - though I suspect jimmy was trying). Jimmy then fell back and sat on his bed, his trousers still at his ankles and his semen still on dripping on the wall. Then claimed a horrible moment of clarity for jimmy - the post ejaculation realisation. This is a consistent occurrence for men after ejaculating and it can be any realisation from how lucky you are to have just done what you did or how shamed you should be after what you just did. For jimmy it was the latter. He looked at Mona who now looked almost smiling at him in a mocking way. Had he seriously just wanked over a renaissance painting of someone’s head? He fell back to lying in the bed and slept. The next morning he awoke and tried to avoid even looking at Mona, he just headed straight downstairs and ate scrambled egg on toast.

It was later when jimmy was watching the news, which was still full of the theft at le Louvre, which he first thought about doing something with Mona. It was later when in bed and looking at Mona look back at him that jimmy decided to do something with her. He no longer had the emotions that she had brought out in him before, especially the one he'd had the day before. Now he was almost irritated by her presence. His decision was made, the next day he would handle this.

So the next morning jimmy woke up and had his scrambled eggs on toast. He then de-framed the painting, rolled it up and put it back in the tube. He also wrote an anonymous letter stating how he had accidentally interrupted the robbery but wanted to return the painting to its rightful owner - the public. He then posted the tube and the letter to the French embassy.

The French were pleased to have their painting back, the French police claimed that their strong investigation had scared the thief into sending back the painting and they would carry on their search - they didn't bother. Jimmy was just jimmy, a little bit more content alone, but generally the same man and would carry on his search.

Jimmy at Christmas

Jimmy’s Christmas’ never went to plan. This was caused by a variety of reasons. One year Jimmy’s traditional nature caused him to use actual candles to decorate his tree. That got him in some hot bother. Another year Jimmy’s good nature convinced him to cook for the needy – he can’t cook. That put him in a messy situation. This year however Jimmy’s generous side took a hold of him. He decided he would buy presents for his loved ones. Jimmy faced two problems, no idea what to get and…well…no loved ones. Jimmy however knew a way around this problem. He would get some loved ones this year! He had a foolproof plan! He would buy the presents, a present for every demographic, see who wanted it, become there best mate and end up with the most diverse group of mates known to the world. 

His first challenge on this new adventure was to categorize the demographics. He decided to do it by age and then do sub-categories based on gender. Then he had to decide on the archetypal present for each demographic. For the 18-25 year old men he bought football tickets. Not just any tickets. Good Ones! Arsenal versus Manchester United…even if your not a football fan any one between 18-25 enjoys that game because there is that good chance you might get to see grown men on ludicrous money beat the living hell out of each other. The women between 18-25 got lifetime subscriptions to Heat – Jimmy got one for himself as well…he’s a secret gossipmonger. 26-50 year old men got a box of 50 Cuban Cigars. They were hard to come by…that’s a whole different story though. Women of that age got rampant rabbits – the vibrator…Not Bugs on pills. The over 50s, men and women, got exactly what they wanted. The men – slipper and dressing gown set. The women – fake drivers licenses saying they were 30. Those under 18 got bugger all…that would be weird. Jimmy was very happy with the gifts he had chosen. He thought this would be the ultimate friendship success story.

His next challenge came in the form of finding the people to give the presents to. He had to find one person for every demographic. He knew exactly how to do this. He placed an advert up on Craigslist – Man Seeking Chum To Give Present To. He placed one advert for every category. Except the under 18’s…that would just be teasing. Now he had to just sit back and wait for the replies. He was certain that he would get a response for each present…he was confident in the gifts he chose.

Jimmy was right to be confident in those gifts. His next challenge was one that he had not seen coming. He got thousands of responses per gift. He literally got more letters than Santa Clause that Christmas. Of course Jimmy was using email…he’s a bit more up to date than ol’ St Nick. Hotmail literally crashed when he opened his inbox, and I don’t mean his page…it used up so much energy opening the bloody thing that the whole Internet was used to do it. I know...I didn’t know the Internet was a limited resource either! Nor did Hotmail…their mainframe literally exploded and hundreds died. Jimmy didn’t know of this though…no BBC website to check it on…so he just kept plodding along with his plan assuming he was making the world and his life better. Now that Jimmy had crashed the Internet he had to do everything by hand. This made it more argeous. Luckily had had checked a few of his thousands of emails before the whole Internet was used up. This meant that he took those people to be the list. He wrote to all these people asking for a meeting. He would do this on an interview basis. Those that best suited being his friend would get the job. He would gather them and give them all a presents on Christmas Day and hopefully seal their friendships forever.

The first person he selected was the easiest. This person just had to fit his needs in a friend. As he went on this would become harder. He wasn’t just trying to make friends here; he was hoping to create a hugely diverse friendship group. Friendships that would cross age and gender boundaries. So number three pick would have to be suitable for both him and number two. Number four pick would have to be suitable for him, number two and number three…and so on. Jimmy decided the best place to start would be his own category. He was the ripe age of 24 at this point and therefore the male 18-25 group would be his starting point. He had managed to read 12 emails from this group and had only three replies to his letters requesting interviews. One response from a Manchester United fan, one response from an Arsenal fan and the other response was from someone who despised football. He interview the latter first as he was very curious as to why someone would actually say they ‘despised football’ when trying to convince someone to give him tickets to a game. And why would they want tickets!?

“To sell,” said this rather brutish looking man sat in front of Jimmy. This man looked like your typical hardnut. He was born to hurt people. I would say that the sun glimmered off his skinhead, but with it being December, winter and Britain it is safe to say it didn’t. But he looked exactly the kinda guy Jimmy did not want to be friends with. When Jimmy asked his favourite activities he answered, “Fighting, rioting and knitting.” After further enquiries it turned out that the third activity stemmed from the man being brought up by his grandmother. Still the first two made it certain in Jimmy’s mind that this man was not the chosen chum. Jimmy however carried on giving the man his chance, because Jimmy believed there were good qualities to be found in everyone. Jimmy was wrong. When asked what he disliked the skinhead replied, “Football, cheddar cheese and blacks.” The thing that worried Jimmy more than this answer was his response of, “Who doesn’t like Cheddar Cheese!” Jimmy had high hopes when he heard a man named James Jameson – surely he’d found another Jimmy…alas no, this man was not a Jimmy and nor was he to be a chum of Jimmy.

This left Jimmy with two options for his 18-25 year old chum, the Man Utd or the Arsenal fan. Jimmy wasn’t the most athletic of men but like all straight British men was a huge fan of football. However, he supported neither of these sides. He was a Wycombe Wanderers fan. So that was not going to help him choose which one. He had to interview them both, which after his horrifying encounter with the knitting Neo-Nazi was not his most favourite prospect. First up was the Manchester United fan. Being a Manchester United fan meant that he was of course from London. Which was handy because it meant he could meet both people in the same day. He took the Manchester United fan to a café and they got a nice fry-up lunch. This guy was a bit more Jimmy’s sort. He paid for the lunch – always a winner. He like football and knew it in and out. He was also open minded to all beliefs and tolerant to all ethnicities (a question that had now snuck into all Jimmy’s following ‘interviews’). Jimmy enjoyed spending time with him. The guy even said this immense little tidbit upon Jimmy’s asking, “So how are you?” when they first met. This guy (Tony - a name that almost, in Jimmy’s mind, rhymed with his own!) responded, “Not great actually, think I’m coming down with something.”
“Oh dear, what’s up?” replied Jimmy.
“I’m not sure.” Answered Tony. “I have a bit of a sore throat. Might be because that thing I ate of the Christmas tree…think I’ve got tinsel-itus.” And as he punned he let out a big “Waheyyy!” Jimmy was a fan of this man. He certainly scored big!

Even though Jimmy felt he had already made his decision he still met the Arsenal fan. To be fair to the Arsenal fan Jimmy was negative going into the meeting, as he knew he wanted to take Tony. But the Gooner didn’t help his case. He minced in wearing his Arsenal shirt (to prove his allegiance I am sure). He had a long blonde wig on and more mascara than anyone Jimmy had ever seen before. He was wearing knee high boots and a short denim skirt, which left just a little bit of hairy leg for Jimmy to avoid staring at with disgust. He sat down in the pub…a very rough north London pub of him/her choosing…and said in the softest of voices, “Why hello there Jimmy…I’m Martin.” The only response that Jimmy could find was, “Riiiiight.” Jimmy had met his first weirdo upon his venture for chumship. It would turn out that this man/women was pre-op and therefore still male but was soon to go by the name…Cindy. Jimmy used this as his excuse that this man would not be eligible to take the tickets and accompany Jimmy to the game and therefore become his friend. These tickets were the man gift, meant for the person who would play the 18-25 year old male in Jimmy’s new diverse group of mates. Martin, soon to be Cindy, would throw out the equilibrium. Martin/Cindy protested claiming that someone from the LBGT group was needed to make it fully diverse. Jimmy did consider this but when Martin/Cindy protested a little too much Jimmy was forced to tell him/her that the LBGT representative in the group would have to come from someone who closer followed Jimmy’s categorization method. The abnormally large protests put up by Martin/Cindy made Jimmy certain that he/she was either a serial killer or someone that actually wanted to steal poor Jimmy’s innocence. Jimmy ran for his life. Mind made up right their I think. The Man United fan it was.

Jimmy was starting to feel anxious about the project he had taken on. Yes he had just found the guy that would be his new chum. He had informed Tony that he was the one that would be accompanying him to the game and made arrangements to meet him on Christmas Day to hand over Tony’s ticket. Tony was delighted and Jimmy felt like he might have made a connection. However, this did not stop Jimmy’s anxious feeling. Yes, he had made one potential chum…but he had met two psychos as well. Jimmy questioned his mission. But then he realized what was next. The 18-25 year old women. This was surely going to be Jimmy’s favourite category. He had 12 responses to his letters asking to meet up. He had sent 22 and decided the best way to get through this large number was to organize a speed-dating event. Just him and what he had hoped would be 22 ladies. Sadly only twelve confirmed they could come, and even sadder only 9 turned up…and then one left upon seeing Jimmy. Still, Jimmy was not disheartened. He had eight women to speed date and decided he would give them five minutes each to try and wow him. The prize would be a year’s subscription to Heat Magazine. He didn’t think this present would have such appeal. He had struggled to come up with it as women would always be something that he never understood…especially women between 18-25. He had prepared 10 questions on which to base the speed-dating interviews:

1) What is your name? (Always a good start)
2) Where are you from? (Still could)
3) Have you ever had sexual relations from someone you simply considered a ‘chum’? (Perhaps too direct)
4) What is your marital status? (Probably get away with that one…maybe not considering the previous question)
5) How would you describe yourself? (The ruling was that anyone that said the words: random, crazy or mental would loose serious points, anyone that said the exact words “You never know what’s going to happen when I’m around!” Would be asked to leave – this happened twice)
6) Who is your favourite celebrity? (A good question to ask a Heat reader I have to admit)
7) What was the last book you read? (Someone actually answered “Does Heat count?” Which was only beaten by “Ermmm…Probly Jordan’s novel…Oh wait…is a novel a book?” – she was also asked to leave)
8) If you were a type of cheese what type of cheese would you be? (Abstract I like it!)
9) Can you put together your own Ikea sets? (Jimmy didn’t want the group to have to always be spending their time on this)
10) What’s your favourite drink? (End on a jolly note)

Despite Jimmy’s well thought out questions he did have 4 walkouts, which left him with the choice of two ladies. Trisha and Beatrice. Beatrice, however, had scored magnificently badly on every question. Her answers and Jimmy’s notes went much like this:

1) Beatrice – is she 60 years old!?
2) Doncaster – either got Aids or kids
3) Yes all the time – yes was good but the all the time confirms the Aids.
4) Divorced – by 25? Crazy!
5) Totally random – serious points drop
6) Robert Patterson – necrophiliac
7) Twilight – dim and possibly a mental
8) Cheddar – borrrring
9) What’s Ikea? Definitely dim
10) Orange Reef – might actually be 13 years old

The choice was easy for dear Jimmy. Trisha would get the subscription. He arranged to meet her at the same place he was meeting Tony on Christmas Day. A Gang was forming.

Having felt that he had been quite efficient on this one he decided to keep the pace up and that women were the way to do this. He went for the 26-50 year old women category next. He also got the joy of marching into Ann Summers for the first time in his life. He had often stood outside seeing who was popping in and out and wondering what they were buying (a little weird I know), but now he had a purpose to go in. He marched in, banged his fist on the counter right in front of the teenage shop assistant and in his most demanding voice said “Give me your finest rampant rabbit please madam!” Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at him in shock. And not just the people in the store, even people passing buy had heard him and stopped to stare. The shop assistant looked both shocked and thoroughly annoyed at the same time and eventually snapped back, “Alright mate, if you really need it that bad.” Laughter spewed out of the many onlookers’ mouths and Jimmy’s sense of purpose was transformed into embarrassment and a want to get away as quickly as possible. The shop assistant fetched him the vibrator and Jimmy basically through the money at her. He ran out the store…forgetting the vibrator. He then ran back into the store greeted by the shop assistant who loudly shouted, “Your Back!” Again, the whole store laughed at Jimmy, this time at the fact he seemed like a regular vibrator a purchaser. He picked up the vibrator and out he ran again.

He had an easy time deciding between the three women who agreed to meet him for interviews. The first was Margaret. She was an old pub landlady who had seen some things in her time. Bit more Peggy Mitchell than Claudia Schiffer. Not exactly what Jimmy wanted. She had what can only be described as a ‘Cougar Smile’, but not that of Demi Moore’s. A grin that highlighted the glint in her eye. A glint that suggested in her time she has eaten many a man like Jimmy for breakfast. She had stories that horrified Jimmy. She told stories of when she had to break up a fight between two squaddies - they both left with broken noses as she dived across the bard with a stiletto in her hand. She was very touchy feely the whole time she was with Jimmy which made him very uncomfortable. She sat so close he could smell the odor permeating from her skin. It was that same smell that exists in pubs that have been running for years and still have many of their original customers sitting at the bar. She smelt like the ‘essence of pub’ and this was not to Jimmy’s liking.

The second woman was his mum. This led to the most awkward meal of Jimmy’s life and a definite no.
The third woman (Kathy) was a winner! Not only did she love Christmas and the idea that Jimmy had come up with for the most diverse group of friends ever. But she was also a black, 37 year old, bisexual who said she seriously needed a vibrator (this meant nymph in Jimmy’s eyes). This was much more like the lady Jimmy had hoped would fill this classification. It also made the group that much more diverse. The deal was done and she eagerly agreed to meet Jimmy on Christmas days with the others and pick up her Rampant Rabbit.

Jimmy was excited now. He was well on his way to having the most diverse group of friends to spend Christmas Day with. He now just had to meet the men. This was easy again. He only had two people to choose from. There hadn’t been many responses. Not many male 26-50 year olds browse online and answer classified adds. He did however have to question his classification system. After all, there is quite a lot of difference between a 27 year old and a 48 year old. Jimmy met the 27 year old first. This man was not the outgoing and boisterous fellow that Jimmy had hoped for. His name was Alexander and did not stop speaking about World of Warcraft (or WOW as he called it). There was nothing WOW about the game or Alexander. Jimmy struggled to move the conversation away from Goarth, the level 16 Orc that Alexander was currently playing with. When Jimmy finally got to move the conversation on it became clear why Alexander only every talked of this. The rest of his lift was actually less impressive. He was a 27-year-old chartered accountant that still lived at home because he had failed to get on the housing market (he felt that renting was throwing money away). He did not play sport and had no interest in watching it. The closest he had got to actively taking part in sport was Tiger Woods PGA Tour 08 on Playstation 3. He didn’t wear designer labels (why bother when you can get just the same quality for Oxfam shops). Jimmy was not a fan.

Next up was the very different Gerry Jefferson. He was a 48-year-old lawyer who ran one of the largest law consultancies in London. He married his university sweet heart and stayed married to her until she sadly departed this world just two years before Jimmy encountered him Gerry. He only drank the finest whiskies, which he often did in his penthouse flat in the City. However, he felt one thing was missing from those nights with the Whiskey…a box of Cuba’s finest cigars. He found Jimmy’s idea of the worlds most diverse group of friends fascinating. He told Jimmy of how he had always been too busy with work or too loved up with his wife to really make a close-knit group of mates and maybe now was the time. Jimmy immediately idolized Gerry who was one of those men that could talk for Britain without once being dull. He had a keen whit and a blunt manner, which allowed him to be both brutal and sharp all at once. Decision made! Gerry agreed to meet Jimmy at the same time, as the others on Christmas day and Gerry would finally get those cigars.

Now Jimmy had reached the bit he had been putting off and was most worried about…The OAPs. What would they be like? Would he be able to relate to people of that age? Having enjoyed Gerry’s company so much and realizing how close he was to the barrier he opted to meet the men first. He hoped for another Gerry, but he soon realized that you don’t meet more than one Gerry in a lifetime. There is only one Gerry Jefferson. Instead he met two men who were both 85 years old. They had answered Jimmy’s advert during a session with a volunteer from Help the Aged. They were from the same retirement home but seemingly had never met…or maybe just always forgot meeting. Jimmy met them both at the same time in the lounge of the retirement home. Peter was the most coherent of the men but kept babbling about the war. Only being interrupted by Dennis’ incontinence. Once the nurse had cleaned Dennis up and moved him back to his room Jimmy told Peter that he would like him to join his group. Peter got very excited (seemingly thinking he had been chosen for a special mission) and sure enough wet himself as well. When the same nurse rushed to clean up Peter, Jimmy told her the time and place that Peter should meet him on Christmas Day and she promised she would personally ensure that he was there.

Jimmy just had one classification left, the over 50’s women. He feared they would be just like the men. There were two of them…and one of them was. Beatrice (he knew it was an elderly name!) was so excited to see Jimmy that she did a tiny poo. She seemingly did not notice…Jimmy did. It smelt the whole conversation they had. She kept saying how Jimmy reminded her or her grandson, Alexander. Apparently, he was an accountant. Jimmy suspected he knew his favourite hobby. The meeting with Beatrice did not last long…she fell asleep mid-sentence. Jimmy tried waking her but when he couldn’t he left a note saying it was great to meet her and left. He later feared she had died.

Jimmy was seriously worrying about meeting the next women and phoned her before the meeting to ask her age. He was not age-ist but given recent experiences just wanted to be prepared. He was delighted to hear that Rita was only 55. He met her at the local Tesco, as she had to do her Christmas big shop. Jimmy went around the store with her as she chose the delights she would be cooking for Christmas. She was a single mum with 6 children. Her husband had walked out on her after the last one but she refused to grant him the divorce due to her strict Catholic upbringing. She had worked off jobs all her life as she tried to raise the kids. She said they had struggled to get by but now the older was soon to leave home she wanted to do it all over again. She was looking forward to having them all visit for Christmas, the eldest with his new wife. She had a brash attitude about her and took no nonsense from anyone. She gave the fishmonger in Tesco’s jipp when he tried to give her what she felt was a “measly handful of prawns”. Jimmy was seriously impressed with her but wondered why someone so confident in herself wanted to a driver’s license with a younger age on it. Her simple answer was, “I’ve ‘ad kids in the house for 27 years…’bout time I had me fun!” Jimmy loved her! Easy choice! She agreed to leave her very busy Christmas Day in order to meet Jimmy and the rest of the gang and pick up her present.

Jimmy was set. He had picked his group. Now he just had to meet them all with their gifts on Christmas Day. He didn’t have long to wait. He had met Rita on the 22nd December. He spent the next two days either wondering what the meeting would be like or wrapping the gifts. The day finally came. The most diverse group of friends ever would finally meet up. At 3pm on Christmas Day they all met up at the agreed meeting point. This was just by the fountain at Piccadilly Circus. Jimmy got there at 2:00 to ensure he was the first there. One by one they all arrived and were all very friendly to each other. Jimmy felt like he had done well and some real connections were being made. Even the nurse that left her own Christmas Day to bring Peter was seemingly enjoying herself. Jimmy handed out the gifts and was delighted to see the smiles on all the recipients’ faces. He was shocked to find that they had all gone to the effort to find him something. He finally had people to share Christmas with. The group had a great laugh as they drank the champagne and orange juice that Jimmy had brought. Rita had made some mince pies, which also went down a treat. As they parted they all agreed to meet every Christmas at 3pm in the same place and swap presents and life stories. Jimmy had done it! The most diverse group of friends ever! He was a very happy chappy that Christmas Day.

Jimmy and his promotion

Today was an interesting day in the life of Jimmy. Not only had he realised that he could touch his nose with his tongue, he had also gained a promotion. Granted, Jimmy was his own boss so gaining promotion was not the hardest thing in the world to achieve. He had basically decided that he wanted to be known as Führer of Robotics Entertainment Ltd. That's right! He had named his company Robotics Entertainment Ltd. Jimmy hadn't entirely thought this through. He got at least 6 phone calls a day from people enquiring about robots, not the dance craze robotics as he had hoped. However, this is where jimmy's keen people skills came into play. After around the 15 calls like this Jimmy was fed up. He decided he would not tell them that he knew nothing, and had nothing, to do with robots, but nor would he lie to them. This was an important moral distinction for our Jimmy. He was now putting full trust in the fact that he was such a good entertainer that he could turn up to a room, sometimes conference centres, full of people eagerly waiting to see a robot; but instead he turns up and does the robot and entertains them so much that they don't care - in fact they prefer it. It was a bold ambition but jimmy felt he could achieve it.

So when the next call came in, Jimmy picked up the phone with his usual "a hoi hoi"

"Erm yes hello"

"Hello there! How may I be of service" jovially responded jimmy in a manner which was most perturbing in it's jollyness.

"Erm yes ok...my names Dr. Abbott"

"Why hellooo there Dr. A! How can I help you today?" Jimmy butted in, still far to jolly to be considored anything other than creepy but certain that he was the king of customer service.

"Erm well I guess you can help me, I am throwing a rather large symposium next week and am looking for something rather extraordinary as a final act, something to wow the crowd."

Jimmy pretended to think for a second and then replied, "Oh yes we have something that certainly fits this criteria, the crowd are always wowed by my robotics."

"Wow that's perfect! Are you free in a couple of Saturdays time?"

"I am sure I can manage that," replied jimmy desperately trying to be non-chalent.

Jimmy told himself the hard bit was done. He had got the gig, all that was left was to rely on his natural talent and be so entertaining that the people forgot he wasn't the genius innovative robot they were expecting, but in fact just a prat busting out 80s dance moves. As the day approached Jimmy began to realise what he had done, he was forwarded a guest list of the event so he could see his audience and he realised that amongst these many genius's, geniuses, geniu-I, were the scientists that evented some of the most deadly weapons in the world. They may obliterate Jimmy there and then. He got worried, he couldn't sleep, he couldn't eat, he was quite frankly panicked. Then yet another idea came into his head, he would wear a robot suit whilst he did his robotics. Nobody would be nun the wiser if he did it well enough. It would be the ultimate test of his robotic ability.

The next day, the morning of the symposium, he went to the garden centre and bought all the products that he could. He had metallic spray paint, he had cardboard boxes and he had some crayons. He spent lunchtime fashioning a robot costume and then trying to climb inside it - which involved falling out of it many times.

The symposium was nearing it's end, it had been a huge success and yet Dr Abbott was still frantically panicking, his headline act had yet to appear, his cherry on top was missing, there was no piece de resistance. The time to announce Jimmy's robot had arrived but yet the actual robot hadn't. "I am afraid there will be no finale today, the pre-ordered entertainment has failed to..." Suddenly the lights went low and spot lights started flashing through the audience and the stage. The stage started to fill with smoke, Dr. Abbott stood there confused. Then the doors at the back of the auditorium flew open and a light shone up the isle so bright that many of the academics had to avert their eyes, it was like an eclipse -you knew you shouldn't look but they so wanted to see they couldn't help it. What priceless piece of entertainment laid in store for them?

A booming voice came over the tannoy, "Behold the eighth wonder of the world ...Jimmytron!" And with that a man covered in silver painted cardboard boxes walked down the isle doing his best impersonation of a robot. The audience was stunned, Dr. Abbott's jaw dropped. The robot made it's way up the stage stairs, once reaching the top it proceded to moonwalk into the centre of the stage (a move Jimmy learnt just for this gig). Jimmytron then went through the classic moves, it broke out the tea tray, it opened the can, it waved to the crowd - but in a robotesque manner. The crowd sat in disbelief as the music died down and the man in the cardboard robot suit stood there perfectly still. Then the big voice boomed one last time, "What lies between the world today and the world of tomorrow..."

The crowd looked around awaiting a response, "What was happening? What would happen next?" they kept thinking to themselves.

"...the minds of men" boomed the voice and then the music blasted into a new song. This song was far more up tempo and Jimmytron was moving around the stage at a pace that you would not believe, never had the robot been done at such a speed and with such precision. As Jimmy busted his best moves at this magnificent rate he would rip bits of the cardboard off revealing his skinny man body underneath (not that anyone at any point thought he was an actual robot). Jimmy finished, stood on stage in just his tidy-whities and the music boomed to an end and the lights lit up the room. The audience sat perfectly still staring at Jimmy. Dr. Abbott stood at the side of the stage fuming! He was sure Jimmytron had just wrecked his reputation in the scientific world. Then suddenly the crowd jumped to their feet, simultaneously cheering and clapping!

"Wow what great symbolisation of mans plight against technology" one hugely dawky man said to an equally dawky women as he clearly tried to impress her with his creative side. Jimmy bowed - in a robotic fashion of course - and then roboted his way over to Dr. Abbott who was still trying to stop his heart from racing with anger.

"You lucky son of a bitch," snarled the doctor.

Jimmy and his career choice

Jimmy’s state of unemployment seemed completely never ending. No matter what he did he simply could not find a job at all! He ended up deciding that self-employment was the only solution. To be fair, Jimmy was never going to find work. He wasn’t qualified for anything. He interviewed like a berk! When asked by the manager at his local Wimpy, “Why is it you want to work in Wimpy?” Jimmy confidently replied, “I don’t, I don’t even like eating in Wimpy…who does? I need the money and I am quite sure any old baboon could do this job.”
“Well, sir, you are one baboon that won’t be!” the Wimpy manager retorted as he rushed off, still unable to get rid of the shocked expression left on his face from Jimmy’s unfathomably honest answer.

Jimmy’s problem was that he had always believed the cliché honesty is the best policy. When in actual fact it usually isn’t. It is rarely the best policy, especially in a job interview situation. This essentially meant that Jimmy was buggered! He had no qualifications, which meant he only had a chance at gaining employment in ‘mcjobs’ and his honest and frank mindset meant that he could never blag those interviews. 

So Jimmy decided he would try and create his own business. He just needed a skill. He tried being a handyman, but was in no way handy…and not that much of a man. He tried being a cleaner…except he was certainly not clean, more...scraggy. Nobody wants a scraggy house. He tried to be a mechanic. This actually panned out. However, it did only pan out due to his misinterpretation of the word mechanic. He got the title completely confused and thought that mechanic actually meant dancing like a mechanized robot. Jimmy thought this meant he would in fact have to act like he was mechanic. This he could do very well. 

This led to him becoming entertainment at parties. He would do anything you wanted…as long as it centered around dancing like a robot. He would jump out of cakes…and dance like a robot. He would strip…whilst dancing like a robot. He would even…just dance…like a robot…but on stage. He was hired for hundreds of parties. Seriously, it was proper entertaining. He came to my party! I had him jump out of a cake…took them ages to cover him in sponge and icing. 

Jimmy had found his calling; he started to expand his company. Not only would he dance like a robot…now he would also disco dance (his true passion). Jimmy’s a man with moves! And very little shame. It was not long before he was on the Internet becoming a sensation. He won applause from all the big celebrities. He was even asked to robot at Mel Gibson’s birthday bash. He of course rudely rejected due to his moral reasoning…he hated Mel. Besides he was far bigger than Mel Gibson’s party at this point. He even did the robot at the Oscars. This is where he met Scarlett Johansson. She didn’t shag him…god no…Jimmy was far too bland looking for her. She did however ask him to be in her next movie. He was the central character. It was a non-speaking part. Scarlett did all the talking…he just moonwalked on and off screen and then robotted in the middle. It was a huge hit. People loved it. Jimmy thought he was a genius, he thought he had created the best piece of art ever. And to be fair, it was better then Braveheart. That won Oscars, why couldn’t ‘The Robot and I’. A modern adaptation of The King and I. Sadly the sequel…'Beauty and the Robot’…wasn’t as well received. It was a pure studio movie. Jimmy didn’t want to make a sequel without Scarlett…who had calendar issues (her bedroom calendar fell on her and the corner temporarily blinded her, she couldn’t star alongside Jimmy whilst wearing a patch could she, people would think it was a pirate film). But he got paid a fortune, enough to live comfortably for the rest of his life. He agreed on the basis that they promised him they would get a good replacement. They did not…the public just could not believe Sarah Jessica Parker playing the part of a beauty. During the sex scene, which is obligatory for all badly made sequels, the audience generally thought that Jimmy was doing the robot on top of a horse. Of course this was a huge critical and commercial flop. 

Jimmy’s entertainment career was over. He started off by dropping down to TV. He had his own sitcom pilot, simply named Jimmy. He stood a chance but bad casting struck him again. Andie MacDowell played Jimmy’s love interest and Kramer off Seinfeld played his best mate. Sadly the pilot aired after Kramer’s racist rant and therefore pretty much everyone hated him…and Andie MacDowell…is just hated. So it was another flop for Jimmy. He went back to being entertainment at parties. It was a success for a while but Jimmy just didn’t see the glamour in it. He started spending his fortune on lots of food and smack. This balanced out nicely, so he kept his figure. But he had huge cholesterol and horrible teeth. He soon suffered a heart attack on stage whilst roboting out of a cake and due to his bad teeth nobody wanted to give him mouth to mouth. He nearly died. That was the day Jimmy changed his life. No more smack. No more spending all his money on food. He would simply by a small house and live out the rest of his days comfortably doing bugger all…living off his once movie star fortune. 

Sadly, this could not be the case; Jimmy would never be comfortable…he could never find underwear that fit his oddly chicken-esque legs.