Jimmy in Space

So There Jimmy was; the world had ended around him, exploded through complete causes of his own. Now he was just sitting on a piece of rock, 6 square feet, with the biggest geek sitting on the otherside. Jimmy assumed that during the blast they both were blasted to the same bit of land which for some reason, unknown to the two of them, they had both been saved. The geek was a 40 year old man with a side parting that looked like an entire tube of gel had gone into it, he had the biggest black, square glasses which were so thick they made his eyes almost the same size as his head. Jimmy had no idea what was happening, but the geek had already started to scroll equations into the rock as if he was working out a formula to escape. “50 minutes” said the geek, “pardon” replied jimmy, who was actually rather pleased there was someone geekier then him; and was delighted with the fact he was potentially the coolest human alive. “50 minutes till we die, I worked it out.” The geek replied with a smile. “Well thankyou,” answered Jimmy, “I really could’ve done without knowing that; these last 50 minutes are ruined for me now! And why are you smiling?” Jimmy clearly was not pleased with the news; “I want to be smiling when I die,” the geek replied, he was clearly more accepting of his fate. Jimmy looked around him, the space was empty, there were no remains of the earth left floating around them, they were completely alone, and jimmy wondered if they were in heaven. “I have a little test of my own” Jimmy said to the Geek, “Would you mind coming here please” Jimmy was now smiling and rather polite; back to his old self you might say. The geek started to walk over and Jimmy jumped up and pushed the geek off the rock; Jimmy now knew that if he did die in what was now 48 minutes time, then at least he could now die smiling. Jimmy had always wanted to know what it felt like to kill someone, rather good, he thought to himself. Still, questions were floating through Jimmy’s head, ‘Why am I here?’ ‘Where is here?’ ‘Why does God hate me?’ Jimmy would never figure out the answer to any of these questions; however I do know the answer to them all, but fuck it. You see, Jimmy was never a bright man, yet he did know 1 thing, he was 1 of the few men that could lick his own ear; this was the reason why Jimmy had been a surprisingly good satisfier of the ladies in his latter years, sadly he was so socially inept he didn’t often get to show his powers; but he could certainly lick some gash! As Jimmy was pondering how he would get to do such fulfilling act as satisfying a lady a big fuck off ‘black hole’ opened up in the space. However, this black whole didn’t look like the one’s Jimmy had seen in Stargate SG1, which Jimmy watched religiously and in fact owned every DVD. This Black hole was changing colour, one second it was red, then blue and then yellow. Jimmy could see this echoing sound, it was getting louder and Jimmy could start to make sense of it, it was ‘Dancing Queen’ by ABBA! Jimmy loved to boogie; he had rarely been clubbing but often practised his, what he called, ‘sexy-moves’ in front of a full body mirror while listening to this very song. Jimmy jumped to his feet and as he did a tractor beam shone down on Jimmy. But this was again not like the tractor beams Jimmy had seen in star trek, another show he watched religiously. Rather than pulling Jimmy in this tractor beam made Jimmy want to dance, and so he did, breaking out all his ‘sexy-moves’. Then the tractor beam went and a ship came through the black hole, though this ship was once again not like the ships Jimmy had seen on Andromeda, yet another show Jimmy watched religiously (though this one less so as it was just a bit naff in Jimmy’s opinion; for many reasons all of which are far to dull and geeky for me to be fucked to say). Instead this ship looked much like a disco ball, in the fact it was round and shiny, like a ‘happy death-star’ in jimmy’s opinion. A new tractor beam appears from the ship and ripped Jimmy from the rock and into the ship.

            He was pulled into a small, grey, metallic room with no doors. Then one of the walls opened up and smoke rose up, this was exactly like the sci-fi films Jimmy loved. All Jimmy could see was a smaller disco ball suspended from the ceiling and strobe lights flashing different colours. Then a figure appeared through the smoke and Jimmy could see faint outlines of people dancing in the room the figure was walking from. The figure was dressed in a white suit, with flared trousers and a black shirt with a big collar. He looked like an ugly John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. “Welcome to heaven” the figure said. “Is this a nightclub?” asked Jimmy. “No, this is heaven” replied the figure a little bewildered as he thought he had previously made that clear. Jimmy didn’t believe this at all and joked, “And I suppose you are God are you?” “No God died a few years ago, we had a dance off to see who should take over, I won.” Jimmy started to believe this, I dunno what made him think this story could be true, he wasn’t the brightest of lads; he’d always been 1 sandwich short of a picnic. “So you turned the place into a disco?” asked Jimmy. “No heaven has always been a disco, what happier place could exist? All religions have it wrong, the only way to get into heaven is to be the best dancer in the world when you die,” replied the figure or the ‘Mock-God’ if you will. “And that was me?” Jimmy queried with joy. “No,” replied the ‘Mock-God’ “do not know why you are here, the geeky bloke was the best dancer in the world when it ended, but you can’t let anyone know you shouldn’t be here, I already buggered up and let some idiot blow the world up, you turn your back for 10 seconds and boom its gone; if they find out a dancer as shit as you got into heaven I’ll lose my status as God.”

            Jimmy pondered over this and replied, “I won’t tell a soul,” and with that the figure lead Jimmy into the disco/heaven where Jimmy would live; the general feeling around the other occupants of heaven was that if Jimmy was the best dancer in the world, it deserved to go and they never complained about the explosion or the fact Jimmy couldn’t dance very well ever again.

This is the day the Earth ends...

Upon on this great day a young man by the name of jimmy strauss shall wake up from his sleep. Now jimmy strauss generally slept for 10 hours between the times of 11:00pm to 9:00am, however, on this particular day jimmy woke up at 8:43 approximately which meant that he did not get his 10 hours sleep in fact he only got 9 hours 27 minutes sleep. Of course this lack of sleep had the usual affect that lack of sleep will have in the human persona and made Jimmy particularly grouchy. This grouchyness was exacerbated by the fact that Jimmy was unable to cook his favourite pop tart because his microwave was broken. When Jimmy placed his favourite pop-tart (which included strawberries) into the microwave, the microwave started to spark; thinking and reacting at a pretty mediocre rate Jimmy turned off the microwave. He huffed. He then moved on and went and had a shower in a hope that this would restore him to his usual self. 

The shower went rather smoothly. Jimmy started by finding the prefect temperature, this is quite a time consuming task (Jimmy was a man with time to burn you see). Jimmy would start by moving the shower head so it faced the wall, this was to ensure that Jimmy would not get saturated in cold water. Jimmy would then turn the hot water tap all the way up as heat was a priority of Jimmy’s when showering, Jimmy’s 3^rd move would be to turn the cold water handle until the water became perfect, this could take several attempts. He would judge the water temperature by placing his hand in the water stream for just a few seconds, long enough so he could tell if the water was at the desired level or not. Jimmy would then twist the shower head again so that it was facing him and the water stream was bouncing off his chest, an area which meant one step forward would mean washing his hair and one step back would mean washing his leg, this improved efficiency whilst showering. Jimmy then bent through the shower and picked up a lynx bottle, he squeezed the bottle from the bottom to ensure that he could get every drop of lynx out of the bottle, thus saving money, however, me and you know that this was a useless pursuit as never again will jimmy use his lynx bottle (a bit of dramatic irony there for you). With the lynx excretion in his hand Jimmy would start rubbing his body all over, other than his head, firstly he would just use his left hand (covered in lynx excretion), then he would join the left hand with the right, thus by improving efficiency once more. Once saturated in lynx foam Jimmy would then walk into the water stream of the shower and spin in it 3 times to ensure that all the foam was removed. Then came Jimmy’s favourite bit, he would pick up the shampoo and squeeze it into his hand from the middle of the shampoo bottle (his one indulgence of the day) and then rub it vigorously into his hair; in the same 1^st left then right hand motion he did his body with. Once again Jimmy would step in to the water stream and wait till the water has cleared his body and head of foam. Jimmy would then turn off the shower and step out on to a towel; he would reach for a 2^nd towel and dry his body with that and then reach for a 3^rd smaller towel to dry his head with. As you can see this is the perfect shower.         

Once dry Jimmy walked back to his room and pulled from his draw a leopard skin thong (one of 27 exactly the same leopard skin thongs that Jimmy owned). However, Jimmy did not wear these thongs, oh no, instead Jimmy sniffed them and then placed them on the radiator until he went to bed the night after at which time they would go back in the draw, one can only imagine what they smelt of. After doing this frankly peculiar ritual Jimmy went back into his draw and this time pulled out a small white cat with icicles on its nose, oh not again thought Jimmy, as he placed the cat back in and pulled out a pair of white boxers. Jimmy placed his immaculate white boxers on and then looked at himself in the mirror, doing various poses to try, nun of which made him look sexy, only bonier. Jimmy then opened his socks draw, the 3^rd down of the 7 draws and pulled out a pair of socks, these socks had the word Tuesday written on them, Jimmy pulled these socks over his feet and sighed with comfort; they were his favourite socks. Jimmy then took a pair of jeans that he had discarded to the floor the night before and pulled them over his legs in the usual fashion a man would. He then zipped up the fly and did up the button on his jeans before pulling on his ‘Mr T Rocks’ T-Shirt. By pure coincidence Jimmy’s portable telecommunication device started to vibrate at this precise moment; Jimmy picked it up and the screen displayed a flashing envelope which suggested Jimmy had received a text message. Upon opening the message Jimmy noticed that the message only contained 5 words:

U R Gay from Calvin

Once Jimmy had completed reading this, 2 thoughts ran through his mind:

Who Is Calvin?

And

But I Don’t Want To Be Gay.

Jimmy decided he didn’t want to text back as he didn’t know who he would be texting. However, the news that he was now gay did infuriate Jimmy some what as he had already arranged to go to a speed-dating session for purely heterosexual couples that night. Although, on the plus side this did mean that Jimmy now had know plans for either the day or the night, so Jimmy went downstairs into his drawing room and fell into his reclining chair and watched television.

After several hours of daytime television, which ended in a hugely irritating marathon of talk-shows about wives cheating on their obese husbands, Jimmy decided it was time he left the house. After all the sun was starting to go down and Jimmy did like to wander the night contemplating his many thoughts and sometimes even reciting poetry. With this in mind Jimmy pulled on his slightly stained leather jacket and left his house. Jimmy decided that he would go to the only place where the people had less interesting lives than his, the local Tesco Metro. As Jimmy entered the Tesco Metro he could almost smell the lives of the employees wasting away. With this in mind Jimmy went to the ice-cream bucket and picked out his favourite flavour, cookie dough. He took the ice-cream tub over to the check-out where one of the mindless drones rang it through the till; it cost £3.27 which Jimmy thought was a little steep but yet very worth it.

However, as Jimmy paid, at the exact time of 7:27; there was a sudden explosion and the world came to a gruesome, yet expected end. You see the boxers Jimmy left on the radiator caught alight (probably due to what ever substance was making them smell), these boxers then caught the curtains alight and pretty soon the entire house was catching alight, and as this had been happening the microwave had been sparking and spreading radiation through out the house. This radiation heated up and exploded causing a ripple through the country and then the world as everything radioactive exploded including micro-waves, power stations and nuclear bombs. That was the day the earth ended.